A Public Service Announcement

Why are there little rubber mats in cars?

For a good reason:

So you won't step on the carpet

And mess it up with whatever

People normally step in

Just outside a car

Including snow, ice,

mud, and fresh cement.

So please don't step on the carpet

Use the rubber mats.

Not that just leaves one problem:

What do you use the carpet for?

(Especially the part that runs up the firewall

and over the hump

That you could hardly step on

Or even fondle barefoot

Although there is a law -

If you're driving -

Against barefoot rug fondling.

And even if you've got socks on

That's still barefoot - legally .

We all know if you're wearing

Steel toe loggers boots

That's not barefoot.

And not typical attire for

Car Carpet Connosieurs either.

But what about

Flimsy Chinese cloth slippers

Are they legal driving shoes?

What about ballet toe shoes?

Do they hold up in court?

The point I'm pointing at is

If your shoes are legal

To drive in,

You can't play footsie

With the carpet.

So what's a car carpet for?

Is it there to prevent the ice buildup

Under the rubber mat

From slipping around?
There's nothing worse than a mat

Slipping around on ice

That's slipping around itself.

So at least we can list

Anchoring ice in position

As a design objective.

What about little accidents

by pets and rug rats?

With a hairy rag on the floor

They become

Major roadside distractions.

So, what's a car carpet for?

To look at, I guess.

But if you're driving

Try not to look at the floor of the car.

The steering wheeel can't help you

Drive around stains on the carpet.

When you're not driving

That's the best time to sit in a car

And look at the carpet.

People do it all the time.

What's a car carpet for?

I guess you could run your fingers through it

Like it was a toupee

Of the rich and famous.

Then you could fully appreciate

Dan Ackroyd's metaphor

When he gets slimed

in Ghostbusters

By the Other-Dimentional marshmallow man:

"I feel like the floor of a Taxi Cab."

The only thing we can do

With a car carpet

That doesn't interfere with driving

Is smell it.

In fact, it improves your


Because it prevents you

From attempting to eat

Pizza at the wheel.

So aside from the safety aspects

What's a car carpet for?

All major manufacturers

of automobiles agree

That equippiery make and model of automobile

With a hairy rag on the floor

Rests on an incontrovertible

Scientific principle.

The principle, which never fails, is:

If, in a new car showroom,

A potential buyer

is given a choice

between one new car

with a non-stick, non-clogging,


high traction floor covering,

printed in 256 colors

with a selection of the world's greatest art;

And an identical model car

with a hairy rag on the floor,

They'll buy the hairy rag

Every time.

Why is this?

Science doesn't lie.

It is because Car Show Rooms

Have rugs on the floor

And subconsciously

When we drive a car

With a rug on the floor

We feel that we're still

In the show room

And the payments haven't begun yet.

It is becuase

- except for the thief of Bagdad -

There is no cultural association

Between carpets

And high speed travel.

Carpets historically

Are normal for tents

In the desert.

Not ships at sea,

Planes in the air,

Or the starship enterprise.

And therefore,

Carpets help us forget

We're going to shoot this tin can

Between telephone poles

At 65 miles per hour.

They encourage us to forget

About speed, mas energy,

And the strength of materials

And settle back into

Our couch in the sands

And listen to the winds flap

The tent covers - and


That we're the oil sheiks

And our fuel pumps

Are oil rigs

Pumping dollars into -

not out of -

Our tank.

It is because

Carpets are for dreaming

And cars are for driving.

But don't dream and drive.

Not everything

One may do in a tent

Works on the road.

Although it's all been tried.

And it's been a lot of trouble

Getting it out of the carpet.